Not Interested After a First Date? How to Say So Kindly

Not every date leads to a second, and that is fine. What matters is how you let the other person know. Disappearing without a word leaves them guessing, and a long explanation can sting more than it helps. The kindest answer is short, warm and clear. Here is how to write it, and how to bounce back when a date simply goes badly.

When to say it

Soon. A day or two after the date is about right, or as soon as you know if you are still messaging. If they have already asked to meet again, reply rather than leaving the question hanging. The longer you wait, the harder it gets to write, and the more hopeful they may become.

What to say

Thank them, say it plainly, wish them well. Three versions to adapt in your own words:

After one date

"Thanks for meeting up yesterday, I enjoyed chatting. I don't think we're the right match, but I wish you all the best."

After a few messages

"I've enjoyed talking, but I'm not feeling the spark I'm looking for, so I'll leave it here. Good luck with your search."

After a few dates

"I've really liked getting to know you, and I want to be honest: I don't see this becoming what I'm looking for. I didn't want to keep you waiting."

What to leave out

• Made-up excuses. "I'm away for work for a while" invites "how about when you're back?"
• A list of reasons. Detail tends to start a debate, and it can hurt.
• "Let's be friends", unless you truly mean it.
• Blame. It is about fit, not about anyone doing something wrong.

If they do not take no for an answer

One polite reply is enough; you do not owe anyone a longer explanation. If they keep pushing, or turn unpleasant, stop replying. On Dating Today you can block anyone so they can no longer contact you or see you, and report them from their profile or your chat. Support is there around the clock if you need it.

When you are on the other side

Rejection stings, even after one coffee. A short "Thanks for letting me know, all the best" is a graceful answer, and then let it go. It was about fit, not about your worth, and the person who sent it has done you a favour by being clear.

Do not let a bad date put you off

Everyone has a story about a date that went wrong: the one who talked about their ex all evening, the one who looked nothing like their photos, the one who could not take a hint. One bad date is information, not a verdict. Laugh about it with a friend, notice what you would do differently next time, and get back to it when you are ready. Our first date tips and dating green flags will help you choose well.

More dating advice

• Dating green flags

  The small signs that someone is worth your time.

• First date tips

  Nerves, outfits, conversation and awkward pauses.

• Dating after a break-up

  Knowing when you are ready, and starting gently.

Common questions

Is it OK to just stop replying?

After a message or two, a quiet fade is common. Once you have met, or if they have asked to see you again, a short honest message is kinder.

Do I need to give a reason?

No. "I don't think we're the right match" is a complete answer. Detailed reasons tend to invite a debate.

What if they get angry?

Do not engage. You can block them so they can no longer contact you or see you, and report anything abusive.