First Date Tips: Calm Nerves and Easy Conversation

A first date is two people finding out whether they would like a second one. That is all it needs to be. It does not have to be perfect, and the person sitting opposite you is very likely feeling exactly as you are. These tips cover the practical side and the part that happens in your head.

Before you go

• Pick somewhere public that you know and that is easy to leave: a café, a pub at a quiet time, a walk somewhere busy.
• Keep it short. An hour or two with a natural end, such as one drink or one lap of the park.
• Have a video call first if you have not already. It settles a lot of nerves on both sides.
• Tell a friend where you are going and when you expect to be home, and get yourself there and back.
• Wear something you feel like yourself in. Clean, comfortable and a good fit beats new and fussy.
• Freshen up, check the mirror once, then stop checking.

Settle the nerves

Arrive five minutes early so you are not rushing in flustered. Take a few slow breaths, in for four and out for six, before you walk in. Remind yourself that they chose to meet you: they have seen your photos and read your profile, and they still said yes.

Once you are there, notice what is going well rather than hunting for faults. They turned up, they made an effort, they laughed at your story. Keep your attention on the conversation in front of you instead of rehearsing your next line. People can tell when you are really listening, and it is the most attractive thing you can do.

Things to talk about

• Start with what you already know. Pick up something from their profile or your messages.
• Ask open questions. "What got you into that?" and "What has been the best part of your year?" lead somewhere; "Do you like your job?" stops at yes or no.
• Follow up on their answers. It is the clearest sign you are interested.
• Share as well as ask. A good conversation is a swap, not an interview.
• Save heavy subjects for later dates: exes, money worries and big plans for the future.
• If you cannot hear them, because of a noisy room or an accent you are getting used to, simply ask them to say it again. Nobody minds.

When the conversation goes quiet

A pause is normal, even on great dates. Let it sit for a moment before you rush to fill it. Then comment on something around you: the place, the menu, the view. Keep two or three easy topics in your back pocket, such as a film you have seen, a trip you would like to take or something funny from your week. And if you both need a reset, a trip to the bar or a quick break does the job.

Things not to worry about

Your laugh, your accent, the outfit you nearly wore instead, the fact you are nervous: these are part of you, and the right person will like them. There is no need to change your hair, your style or your opinions to fit what you think someone wants. If something is a real deal-breaker for either of you, it is better to find out early.

If the spark is not there

Stay polite, finish your drink and enjoy the conversation for what it is. You can thank them honestly afterwards and say you do not see it going further. Our guide to saying you are not interested has kind wording you can use. Not every date leads to a second, and that is not a failure.

Afterwards

Send a short message to say thank you. If you would like to meet again, say so plainly; if you are not sure, our dating green flags guide may help you decide. And if anything about the date made you uncomfortable, trust that feeling: you can block or report anyone from inside the site.

More dating advice

• Cheap date ideas

  Good dates for little more than the price of a coffee.

• Who pays on a first date?

  Splitting, treating or taking turns, minus the awkward moment.

• How to say you are not interested

  Short, kind wording for saying no after a date.

Common questions

Where should a first date be?

Somewhere public, familiar and easy to leave, such as a café, a quiet pub or a walk somewhere busy. Save dinner for a later date.

How long should a first date last?

An hour or two is plenty. Ending while it is still going well leaves you both looking forward to the next one.

What should I do if I feel uncomfortable on a date?

Leave. You never owe anyone more of your time. Get yourself home, and use Report if they contact you in a way you do not like.